Bloggaday 309 – SotW 30: Jar of Hearts pt 1 By David “Stuffing Your Wife’s Stocking” Dysart

Bloggaday 309 – SotW 30: Jar of Hearts pt 1

By David “Stuffing Your Wife’s Stocking” Dysart

“Otherside”

by

Red Hot Chili Peppers

“Hush”

by

Deep Purple

“Ain’t No Grave”

by

Johnny Cash

“Jar of Hearts”

by

Christina Perri

Chuck: Welc-

Tom: Ho ho ho!

Chuck: …ome to this special, Christmas edition of the Song of the Week.

Tom: Well, does that mean we have some special, holiday songs to give all of the good little boys and girls?

Chuck: I wouldn’t know. You handle the songs, not me.

Tom: Ho ho ho! It doesn’t sound like you’re filled with the Christmas spirit, Chuck.

Chuck: Please stop talking like that.

Tom: Do you know who is spilled with the Christmas spirit, Chuck?

Chuck: Why are you doing this to me?

Tom: Well it was your wife, Chuck.

Chuck: Really? Wife jokes again? I thought we go-

Tom: Why just last night, I visited your house, and was greeted with milk and cookies!

Chuck: That’s nice, Tom.

Tom: But you weren’t there. Why not, Tom?

Chuck: I had to go out to Palm Desert for a couple of days.

Tom: Well, your heat was out, so I had to keep your wife warm aaaallllll night.

Chuck: I’m sure you did.

Tom: I know it’s a bit early, but I also filled your wife’s stocking.

Chuck: Why, that’s nice of you, Tom.

Tom: Yep. I filled it to the furry brim.

Chuck: Really, you shouldn’t have.

Tom: It was so full, my nuts were right there hanging out. I guess you could say I was nuts-deep.

Chuck: Nuts-deep? Really?

Tom: Yeah, but that was just some of the treats I brought. First, to make sure the stocking was ready for me, I had to stick my fingers in.

Chuck: Of course you did.

Tom: But to my surprise, my whole hand went right in.

Chuck: I’m sure.

Tom: I don’t think I was the first to stuff her stalking that night.

Chuck: Yeah, apparently she’ll do that to ya.

Tom: Ho ho ho! I didn’t mind though. Once I saw her ho face, I just kept going.

Chuck: Thanks for not making that a silent “h,” Tom.

Tom: No problem, Chuck. As I was saying. As I started stuffing your wife’s stocking, she started reading from the Bible.

Chuck: The Bible?

Tom: Well, I didn’t recognize the verse or anything, but she kep-

Chuck: Anything else?

Tom: Oh, the stocking! I started of with a jumbo-sized candy cane.

Chuck: Candy cane you say?

Tom: Yes, indeedy. I made sure to wrap it before I stuck it in. I didn’t want any germs or nasty bacteria to get on it or anything.

Chuck: HaHAH!

Tom: What’s that, Chuck?

Chuck: I’m just wondering if the hook in your candy cane got caught on anything.

Tom: Oh… Well, my candy cane doesn’t really hook at the end.

Chuck: Really?

Tom: It does kind of have a… slight curve up, but no hook.

Chuck: I’m sorry to hear that.

Tom: Oh, not at all. It’s good for stocking stuffing. Hit’s the spot, don’t you know.

Chuck: And with that, we’re out of words. Come back tomorrow for part two of Song of the Week 30. As always, I’m Chuck.

Tom: And I’m San Tom

Chuck: Santom?

Tom: Oh, sorry. I’ve been studying Japanese lately. It kind of means “Mr.”

Chuck: Then wouldn’t it be Tom San?

Tom: Why’d you have to go and ruin it, Chuck. You’re a real dou-

Chuck: Aaand have a great day, everyone.

Listening to

Curtain Call By Maroon 5

Twitter Tag

Learn about the finer points of “stocking stuffing,” only on Bloggaday

Going faster than a “Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way

http://twitter.com/daviddysart The twits are tweeting and rss feeding

http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I pray your mouse batteries die, and you take a tumblr

http://thebloggaday.blogspot.com/ Now here’s a little blog, I’ve got to tell

http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart I’m not calling you a bot, just don’t botter me

I wanna view like Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/user/DavidDysart Shut up and let me show

What’s pickier than pickier? The Piccaday

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Photobucket Light me up that web cam and strap a smile on my face

http://thepiccaday.blogspot.com/ Let the pictures hit the floor

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Flickr I’m gonna pack my pixels and I’m gonna go your way

New to the Bloggaday? These are the essential posts to see

158 – Boxer V Brief – Short, concise joke machine and a DYNAMIC ENTRANCE! to my favorite Bloggadays of the Second Trigaday

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday158

159 – A Phthalates-filled Sbarro Breadstick – This was just a funny Bloggaday despite the essence being something no one will get unless the look up what a phthalate is

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday159

174 – FNtCCA,aToTbDD– While I think it’s clear I rarely EDIT the Bloggaday, this train-of-thought post shows how much I have to FILTER it…

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday174

183 – SotW 13 – This one had it all. Pretty much every bit that’s been a major player in the SotW made its way into this one, so it’s a good one to try.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday183

134 – SotW 5 – This particular Song of the Week featured the characters a bit truer to their original concept. After a while, I started liking Tom too much and changed him a bit which caused changes to Chuck.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday134

227 – PWND: TSHBRotCCPS pt16 was some solid fiction content. Plus, that was probably some of the finest Final Thought I’ve ever thought up.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday227

Close the screen, the awesome’s getting out

Bloggaday 308 – Women Explained: Missing Periods and the Compulsive “P” That Follows pt 2 By David “The P Files” Dysart

Bloggaday 308 – Women Explained: Missing Periods and the Compulsive “P” That Follows pt 2

By David “The P Files” Dysart – The truth is in there.

And welcome back. I know you’ve all been curious about this “industry,” so without further fluff, enter part 2 of my genus*

One problem often associated with the misplacement of periods and other punctuation is the consequential form of dyslexia. Once hysterical about the missing period, women often must use a "p" in the following sentence. I'm unsure of the problem women have with "p"’s after missing a period, but they often do it very quickly. This obsessive requirement to write a "p" after a missed period is so well documented and so engraved into the psyches of women that an entire industry has been built around it.

Currently, I'm unfamiliar with the nature of the contraptions that women buy for missed periods, but I do know that woman often put "p" on them. I'm not sure if this is just some form of therapeutic relief, but almost every case I have ever heard of of a woman missing a period has resulted in the purchasing of one of these devices. I'm also not sure of the exact nature of these things, but there appears to be some form of test built into them. It sounds like they rank the user as either positive or negative, so it could test the association of personality outlook and the occurrence of missed periods. This could mean that the industry could just be trying to solve the problem of missed periods as I am. Perhaps I should contact one of these companies and compare notes. This may be a bad assumption though since I've heard several accounts of these "tests" being exceptionally difficult. But couple this with the excruciating wait I've often heard associated with them, the difficulty could be attributed to the patience aspect of the test.

Lastly, I've heard that some women who miss their periods and don't find proper relief from the devices they "p" on, actually visit a doctor. I haven't confirmed these reports, but I imagine they are seeing psychiatrists to help them deal with this issue. Unfortunately, this is just an assumption on my part, but I feel it is likely right. I would have to assume they would seek psychological help since their compulsive "p"ing offered little relief from missing their period. I have entered the psychological field to test this theory. After making this decision though, I overheard a woman say, "Actually, I'm on the pill ever since missing my period last month." Since psychologists aren't able to prescribe pills, these women must be visiting a psychiatrist. While they posses infinitely inferior psychological skills than a psychologist, they do have some training in the field as well as posses the ability to prescribe pills. If you have any knowledge or theories on the matter, your input is welcomed.

Given the high correlation between these missing periods and the required "p" that follows them, I have another theory. Statistically speaking, the upcoming "p" may actually be the cause of the absent period, but at the moment, all I can comment is the strikingly high correlation between the two. Perhaps when a woman's mind is thinking ahead about an upcoming sentence, and it starts with a "p," then this causes a momentary lapse of thought. This break in concentration MAY actually cause women to miss their periods.

Beyond the high correlation between periods and "p'"s, there is also a phonological similarity between the two. Both again begin with p's, so this missing period phenomena may be caused by combining the two tasks into one action. I imagine this can be even more troublesome for women who start writing their "P"'s from the bottom to draw the letter. This could very easily explain the missing periods. An observer would never even notice the period was there to begin with if the “P” was written over it.

And there you have it, a scientific examination of how and why women miss their periods.

I had to fight the urge to spin off into more stuff, such as the current trend of writing on people who pass out and the inevitable therapy it is for women to “P” on a passed out guy’s face. Unfortunately, I just don’t have the word count to indulge on more “P”-based humor.

Listening to

Hands All Over (Album) by Maroon 5

Twitter Tag

Everything you ever wanted and not wanted to know about women missing their periods, only on Bloggaday

Going faster than a “Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way

http://twitter.com/daviddysart The twits are tweeting and rss feeding

http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I pray your mouse batteries die, and you take a tumblr

http://thebloggaday.blogspot.com/ Now here’s a little blog, I’ve got to tell

http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart I’m not calling you a bot, just don’t botter me

I wanna view like Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/user/DavidDysart Shut up and let me show

What’s pickier than pickier? The Piccaday

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Photobucket Light me up that web cam and strap a smile on my face

http://thepiccaday.blogspot.com/ Let the pictures hit the floor

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Flickr I’m gonna pack my pixels and I’m gonna go your way

New to the Bloggaday? These are the essential posts to see

158 – Boxer V Brief – Short, concise joke machine and a DYNAMIC ENTRANCE! to my favorite Bloggadays of the Second Trigaday

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday158

159 – A Phthalates-filled Sbarro Breadstick – This was just a funny Bloggaday despite the essence being something no one will get unless the look up what a phthalate is

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday159

174 – FNtCCA,aToTbDD– While I think it’s clear I rarely EDIT the Bloggaday, this train-of-thought post shows how much I have to FILTER it…

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday174

183 – SotW 13 – This one had it all. Pretty much every bit that’s been a major player in the SotW made its way into this one, so it’s a good one to try.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday183

134 – SotW 5 – This particular Song of the Week featured the characters a bit truer to their original concept. After a while, I started liking Tom too much and changed him a bit which caused changes to Chuck.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday134

227 – PWND: TSHBRotCCPS pt16 was some solid fiction content. Plus, that was probably some of the finest Final Thought I’ve ever thought up.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday227

308 December 19

* No, I did not misspell genius. I meant genus.

Close the screen, the awesome’s getting out

Bloggaday 307 – Women Explained: Missing Periods and the Compulsive “P” That Follows pt 1 By David “The Woman Whisperer” Dysart

Bloggaday 307 – Women Explained: Missing Periods and the Compulsive “P” That Follows pt 1

By David “The Woman Whisperer” Dysart

Hello folks, and welcome to yet another Bloggaday written on my iPhone. I’m going to break this one into two posts as well since it’s a bit long. But, no need to fret about that. As always, I’m going to post the next one immediately after posting this one.

Anyways, in this particular post, I examine, from a fresh perspective if I do say so myself, why women freak out so much after missing their period. I think I have some pretty valuable thoughts on the subject.

Women are finicky creatures. This is especially true when it comes to spelling and grammar. I'm not a grammar Nazi myself, being a man and all, but I think I'm qualified enough to lead a guided expedition to examine this phenomena.

First, let's examine the occurrence of unpunctual punctuation. When periods don't occur at a desired and preset schedule, women freak OOOUUUUT. I haven't had any occasions when this missing period is replaced by a semicolon, but I theorize that this would solve the problem. Guys, if you are in a relationship with a woman, I would recommend stocking up on these. Do tell me if it doesn't work though. I have a more drastic plan that involves a comma and an "and," but it is only to be used as a last resort since at times, that comma must actually be a semicolon still. But, I will jump off that bridge when I come to it.

One problem often associated with the misplacement of periods and other punctuation is the consequential form of dyslexia. Once hysterical about the missing period, women often must use a "p" in the following sentence. I'm unsure of the problem women have with "p"’s after missing a period, but they often do it very quickly. This obsessive requirement to write a "p" after a missed period is so well documented and so engraved into the psyches of women that an entire industry has been built around it.

And that’s where I’m going to stop for today. I know I’m a little light, but this is the logical point to stop it. It’s a little bit of foreshadowing, but not completely killing it in the middle of something. Tomorrow will bring me to 1k for 2 days, so read on, read until your laugh becomes loud.*

Listening to

Man on the Silver Mountain by the Ronnie “The Double Rainbow” James Dio

Twitter Tag

Today, I demystify why women freak out over missed periods and compulsive “P”ing, only on Bloggaday

Going faster than a “Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way

http://twitter.com/daviddysart The twits are tweeting and rss feeding

http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I pray your mouse batteries die, and you take a tumblr

http://thebloggaday.blogspot.com/ Now here’s a little blog, I’ve got to tell

http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart I’m not calling you a bot, just don’t botter me

I wanna view like Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/user/DavidDysart Shut up and let me show

What’s pickier than pickier? The Piccaday

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Photobucket Light me up that web cam and strap a smile on my face

http://thepiccaday.blogspot.com/ Let the pictures hit the floor

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Flickr I’m gonna pack my pixels and I’m gonna go your way

New to the Bloggaday? These are the essential posts to see

158 – Boxer V Brief – Short, concise joke machine and a DYNAMIC ENTRANCE! to my favorite Bloggadays of the Second Trigaday

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday158

159 – A Phthalates-filled Sbarro Breadstick – This was just a funny Bloggaday despite the essence being something no one will get unless the look up what a phthalate is

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday159

174 – FNtCCA,aToTbDD– While I think it’s clear I rarely EDIT the Bloggaday, this train-of-thought post shows how much I have to FILTER it…

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday174

183 – SotW 13 – This one had it all. Pretty much every bit that’s been a major player in the SotW made its way into this one, so it’s a good one to try.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday183

134 – SotW 5 – This particular Song of the Week featured the characters a bit truer to their original concept. After a while, I started liking Tom too much and changed him a bit which caused changes to Chuck.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday134

227 – PWND: TSHBRotCCPS pt16 was some solid fiction content. Plus, that was probably some of the finest Final Thought I’ve ever thought up.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday227

307 December 18

* Painfully vague Aerosmith reference For The Win!**

** Or FTW for the geek savvy.

Close the screen, the awesome’s getting out

Bloggaday 306 – Commencement Ceremony Tickets pt 2 By David “Have a Great Day” Dysart

Bloggaday 306 – Commencement Ceremony Tickets pt 2

By David “Have a Great Day” Dysart

If you haven’t read yesterday’s post, then I would highly suggest it since this is the last few hundred words of an email I sent out for no other reason than I could.

Well, here’s the rest of the email.

I'm not even sure why you need these extra tickets or how many you need. I hope you understand that despite my ignorance on the subject, my heart truly goes out to you on the matter. I hope this softens the bitter disappointment that you are feeling right now.

There is some good new though. I hear we have a qualified staff of psychological counselors here on campus. I'm confident that they are more than competent to alleviate any stress that this or the holiday season has induced (I also hear that if you tip them, they'll find a valid link between your current problem and your childhood upbringing. Not only that, but they'll write you a note that you can take home and guilt your parents with). Pardon the dangling participle. I fear my grief for you has had a detrimental effect on my grammar (what can I say? I'm a very empathetic person).

If you are still reading this, then I must call into question your work ethic. I mean, don't you have a final you should be studying for or a research paper you should be... researching for?!?

At any rate, good luck on this and future endeavors. I'm sure a resourceful college student such as yourself will be able to overcome such a small obstacle like the need of a few commencement ceremony tickets. Have you not been trained in the ways of sneaking people into movie theaters? Are you not fluent in the art of illegally pirating music, movies, and games on the Internet? Surely, for someone who has grown up in our times has the ability to get around a silly thing like a guess count. For it is this spirit of entitlement that has bred the finest generation that this great country has ever seen.

Sure, WWII produced a noble and patriotic generation of hardened veterans and draft dodgers, and sure, the 60's turned that hatred and grief into love and understanding, but our generation has married these two ideologies and those from the generations since then to produce the naturally selected brilliance that is... US.

It is with this realization and insight that I have given you that I hope you are able to get all of your friends and family to join you on the monumental occasion of your graduation. May their love and warmth carry onto the stage where you take the first step of the rest of your life.

Have a great day

David

And that’s it folks. Now you may be thinking to yourself something along the lines of, “Wow, he has way too much time on his hands.”* But in my defense, This was written entirely on my phone, mostly while walking, some while waiting. So it’s not like I took valuable productive time to write it.

One last note. I haven’t received an email back.**

Listening to

American Girl (And other songs by) Green Day

Twitter Tag

The rambling nonsense of the Commencement Ceremony Tickets continues today, only on Bloggaday

Going faster than a “Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way

http://twitter.com/daviddysart The twits are tweeting and rss feeding

http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I pray your mouse batteries die, and you take a tumblr

http://thebloggaday.blogspot.com/ Now here’s a little blog, I’ve got to tell

http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart I’m not calling you a bot, just don’t botter me

I wanna view like Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/user/DavidDysart Shut up and let me show

What’s pickier than pickier? The Piccaday

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Photobucket Light me up that web cam and strap a smile on my face

http://thepiccaday.blogspot.com/ Let the pictures hit the floor

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Flickr I’m gonna pack my pixels and I’m gonna go your way

New to the Bloggaday? These are the essential posts to see

158 – Boxer V Brief – Short, concise joke machine and a DYNAMIC ENTRANCE! to my favorite Bloggadays of the Second Trigaday

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday158

159 – A Phthalates-filled Sbarro Breadstick – This was just a funny Bloggaday despite the essence being something no one will get unless the look up what a phthalate is

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday159

174 – FNtCCA,aToTbDD– While I think it’s clear I rarely EDIT the Bloggaday, this train-of-thought post shows how much I have to FILTER it…

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday174

183 – SotW 13 – This one had it all. Pretty much every bit that’s been a major player in the SotW made its way into this one, so it’s a good one to try.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday183

134 – SotW 5 – This particular Song of the Week featured the characters a bit truer to their original concept. After a while, I started liking Tom too much and changed him a bit which caused changes to Chuck.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday134

227 – PWND: TSHBRotCCPS pt16 was some solid fiction content. Plus, that was probably some of the finest Final Thought I’ve ever thought up.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday227

Close the screen, the awesome’s getting out

* Actually, it went exactly like that.

** Shocker…

Bloggaday 305 – Commencement Ceremony Tickets pt 1 By David “Two Hour Vocabulary” Dysart

Bloggaday 305 – Commencement Ceremony Tickets pt 1

By David “Two Hour Vocabulary” Dysart

So, over finals week (December 6-10) I received a class-wide email from a student in my Cognitive Psychology class at California State University, San Bernardino. It went something* like this

Hello,

I was wondering if you had extra tickets for the commencement ceremony.

Apparently, the commencement ceremony is what Cal State calls their graduation. Well, this started a conversation with another Cognitive Psych student I was with at the time. Throughout the quarter, I’ve gotten tons of these class-wide emails from other students in class, usually asking for notes.

Now, I type my notes in class, so I have no problems sending a copy off to anybody who needs them. The student I was with at the time said that she only responds to student emails if it’s not class-wide. Then again, she doesn’t type her notes, so I can’t really blame on those requests.

Well, yada yada yada, I decided to send the ticket requester a ridiculous email reply… Hey, why don’t I share that with you.

I am deeply saddened to inform you of this. You may want to sit for what I'm about to tell you. It could be more than a little bit devastating.

You must understand that I'm not used to giving bad news such as this, so this will be hard on me. Surely, harder on you, but perhaps knowing how hard this is for me will mitigate some of the upcoming grief.

I suppose i should just come out and say it. I do NOT have any extra tickets for our commencement ceremony. I'm sorry that I had to be so blunt, but I figured that that would be better than dragging out the bad news with some long-winded explanation or trying to cushion the blow with some sugarcoated version that would meet good and proper sensibilities.

Now, I know this is hard news to hear. I'm sure that me, random student number 43 from your cognitive psychology class was probably your last hope to score some extra tickets to the commencement ceremony. It really hurts me deeply that I wasn't able to come through for you on this matter. I hope you know that.

I'm sorry. I needed a moment to collect myself.

In these times of economic and moral uncertainty, I know we have to be able to count on one another. Students have so few people they can really count on nowadays. Unfortunately, there are few knights in shining armor left. I know you thought that I would be yours, and with every fiber of my being, I wish I could have been, but to the chagrin of both us, I have failed.

I'm not even sure why you need these extra tickets or how many you need. I hope you understand that despite my ignorance on the subject, my heart truly goes out to you on the matter. I hope this softens the bitter disappointment that you are feeling right now.

But wait! There’s more to this email. I had to cut it short due to the word count. Come back tomorrow

Listening to

Twitter Tag

Ridiculous email is ridiculous, only on Bloggaday

Going faster than a “Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way

http://twitter.com/daviddysart The twits are tweeting and rss feeding

http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I pray your mouse batteries die, and you take a tumblr

http://thebloggaday.blogspot.com/ Now here’s a little blog, I’ve got to tell

http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart I’m not calling you a bot, just don’t botter me

I wanna view like Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/user/DavidDysart Shut up and let me show

What’s pickier than pickier? The Piccaday

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Photobucket Light me up that web cam and strap a smile on my face

http://thepiccaday.blogspot.com/ Let the pictures hit the floor

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Flickr I’m gonna pack my pixels and I’m gonna go your way

New to the Bloggaday? These are the essential posts to see

158 – Boxer V Brief – Short, concise joke machine and a DYNAMIC ENTRANCE! to my favorite Bloggadays of the Second Trigaday

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday158

159 – A Phthalates-filled Sbarro Breadstick – This was just a funny Bloggaday despite the essence being something no one will get unless the look up what a phthalate is

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday159

174 – FNtCCA,aToTbDD– While I think it’s clear I rarely EDIT the Bloggaday, this train-of-thought post shows how much I have to FILTER it…

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday174

183 – SotW 13 – This one had it all. Pretty much every bit that’s been a major player in the SotW made its way into this one, so it’s a good one to try.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday183

134 – SotW 5 – This particular Song of the Week featured the characters a bit truer to their original concept. After a while, I started liking Tom too much and changed him a bit which caused changes to Chuck.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday134

227 – PWND: TSHBRotCCPS pt16 was some solid fiction content. Plus, that was probably some of the finest Final Thought I’ve ever thought up.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday227

305 December 16

* Actually, it went exactly like that.

Close the screen, the awesome’s getting out