Saturday, January 1, 2011

Bloggaday 308 – Women Explained: Missing Periods and the Compulsive “P” That Follows pt 2 By David “The P Files” Dysart

Bloggaday 308 – Women Explained: Missing Periods and the Compulsive “P” That Follows pt 2

By David “The P Files” Dysart – The truth is in there.

And welcome back. I know you’ve all been curious about this “industry,” so without further fluff, enter part 2 of my genus*

One problem often associated with the misplacement of periods and other punctuation is the consequential form of dyslexia. Once hysterical about the missing period, women often must use a "p" in the following sentence. I'm unsure of the problem women have with "p"’s after missing a period, but they often do it very quickly. This obsessive requirement to write a "p" after a missed period is so well documented and so engraved into the psyches of women that an entire industry has been built around it.

Currently, I'm unfamiliar with the nature of the contraptions that women buy for missed periods, but I do know that woman often put "p" on them. I'm not sure if this is just some form of therapeutic relief, but almost every case I have ever heard of of a woman missing a period has resulted in the purchasing of one of these devices. I'm also not sure of the exact nature of these things, but there appears to be some form of test built into them. It sounds like they rank the user as either positive or negative, so it could test the association of personality outlook and the occurrence of missed periods. This could mean that the industry could just be trying to solve the problem of missed periods as I am. Perhaps I should contact one of these companies and compare notes. This may be a bad assumption though since I've heard several accounts of these "tests" being exceptionally difficult. But couple this with the excruciating wait I've often heard associated with them, the difficulty could be attributed to the patience aspect of the test.

Lastly, I've heard that some women who miss their periods and don't find proper relief from the devices they "p" on, actually visit a doctor. I haven't confirmed these reports, but I imagine they are seeing psychiatrists to help them deal with this issue. Unfortunately, this is just an assumption on my part, but I feel it is likely right. I would have to assume they would seek psychological help since their compulsive "p"ing offered little relief from missing their period. I have entered the psychological field to test this theory. After making this decision though, I overheard a woman say, "Actually, I'm on the pill ever since missing my period last month." Since psychologists aren't able to prescribe pills, these women must be visiting a psychiatrist. While they posses infinitely inferior psychological skills than a psychologist, they do have some training in the field as well as posses the ability to prescribe pills. If you have any knowledge or theories on the matter, your input is welcomed.

Given the high correlation between these missing periods and the required "p" that follows them, I have another theory. Statistically speaking, the upcoming "p" may actually be the cause of the absent period, but at the moment, all I can comment is the strikingly high correlation between the two. Perhaps when a woman's mind is thinking ahead about an upcoming sentence, and it starts with a "p," then this causes a momentary lapse of thought. This break in concentration MAY actually cause women to miss their periods.

Beyond the high correlation between periods and "p'"s, there is also a phonological similarity between the two. Both again begin with p's, so this missing period phenomena may be caused by combining the two tasks into one action. I imagine this can be even more troublesome for women who start writing their "P"'s from the bottom to draw the letter. This could very easily explain the missing periods. An observer would never even notice the period was there to begin with if the “P” was written over it.

And there you have it, a scientific examination of how and why women miss their periods.

I had to fight the urge to spin off into more stuff, such as the current trend of writing on people who pass out and the inevitable therapy it is for women to “P” on a passed out guy’s face. Unfortunately, I just don’t have the word count to indulge on more “P”-based humor.

Listening to

Hands All Over (Album) by Maroon 5

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308 December 19

* No, I did not misspell genius. I meant genus.

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